


Dumb Ways to Not Die

by OpalFruits



Series: Dumb Ways To Not Die [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Humour, I know, Not to be taken seriously, Other, Playing fast and loose with the canon of AUs, Suicide, Suicide & Humour?, Suicide Attempt(s), but it reads fine as is, more chapters possible, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 14:11:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12170475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OpalFruits/pseuds/OpalFruits
Summary: Geno is tired of living. Death is tired of Geno living too. Together they try to come up with ways to finally end his miserable life – hilarious shenanigans ensue.





	Dumb Ways to Not Die

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick heads-up; I'm playing fast and loose with the canon of both Reapertale and Aftertale here. You'll see what I mean.
> 
> Also, in case it wasn't already blatantly obvious, suicide features quite heavily here. The story is written to be humorous, but I want to make it clear that I in no way mean to glamorize or trivialize suicide. If you think this might be too much for you, I implore you not to read it.

Death watched, leaning lazily on his scythe while Geno moved around the void with silent purpose.

He was really only supposed to be checking in. A quick in and out, just to confirm that yes, Geno was still here, and no, he still couldn't be reaped. The flurry of activity that had greeted him, however, upon stepping into the lingering soul's domain, had immediately piqued Death's interest. The end result being that he was still here almost ten minutes later, making him well overdue for his next appointment.

Ah well. Those earthquake victims could wait a while longer.

“whatcha doin'?” he asked at last, as Geno passed him by for the third time. The undead skeleton had a wooden chair in his hands, of all things.

Death blinked. Where in the multiverse had he gotten _that_?

Geno scowled, setting the chair down with an irritated grumble. “none of your business.” He pulled a length of rope – good, thick stuff – from inside his white hoodie, and threw one end into the air. A glitched out Gaster Blaster obediently snapped it up.

Death eyed the setup with an ever-widening grin of amusement. “i dunno, pal. i think this looks like _exactly_ my kinda business.”

Geno ignored him, arranging the chair directly beneath the Blaster before climbing onto it and fiddling with the dangling rope. After several curse-filled minutes, he pulled back again. Death raised his eyebrows at what was now a sloppy but serviceable slipknot.

“y'know that's not gonna work, right?”

Death would know. The issue with Geno wasn't in the act of dying itself, which he'd already done quite spectacularly. It was all that damn Determination in his system, making him practically immortal.

“shut up.” Geno slipped his head through the loop, carefully adjusting the knot at the base of his skull. “don't you have anything better to do?”

Death had several 'better' things to do, actually. There was, as he'd already noted, an earthquake taking place in the 'Tale universe as they spoke. Not to mention a multi-car collision of epic proportions in 'Swap, and a twenty-story apartment block was due to have a serious gas leak in 'Fell. Any _one_ of those jobs would yield far more souls than he was likely to obtain here, and yet...

Well, this was _Geno_. The one that got away, so to speak.

Unlikely though it was, considering all the ways Death himself had tried to do the very same thing, if Geno _did_ somehow find a way to nudge his cursed soul into reaping territory... Well, Death wanted to be there to collect in person. Geno's soul was worth so much more to him than any other at this stage, purely by virtue of the fact that the guy had held out for so long. Really, it was a matter of pride more than anything else.

Besides, even if this endeavour failed, Death had a feeling the attempt would be well worth watching.

“would you believe i actually don't?” Nimbly, he twirled his scythe once before dismissing it to the ether, then crossed his legs and sat down with a flourish. He propped his right elbow on his right knee and cocked his head to rest his cheek in that hand, sockets hooded with anticipation, grin wide and eager. Thus settled, he used the other hand to affect a 'go on then' gesture, which Geno immediately and visibly bristled at.

“stop rushing me!”

Death held up his hands, palm out. His expression was, he knew, unmistakably full of laughter. “sorry. in your own time then.”

“damn right,” Geno muttered.

He looked up at the Blaster, then down at his slippered feet on the chair.

He took a deep breath.

Then he kicked the chair away from beneath him.

 

* * *

 

 

“told you it wouldn't work,” Death sniggered, leaning back on his hands to fully appreciate the view before him.

“shut up.”

“i'm so glad i decided to _hang_ around for this.”

“shut _up_.”

Death smirked. “ _knot_ a chance.”

Geno was swaying gently in mid air, his own momentum spinning him in slow, meandering circles several feet above the 'ground'. The noose around his neck, tight enough and then some for the purpose it was meant to serve, exhibited disturbingly little effect on him at all. Arms crossed grumpily over his eternally bleeding chest, he scowled blackly into the darkness.

Death noticed, belatedly, that in all the commotion one of Geno's slippers had fallen off. It was this small detail that finally set him off.

“yeah, yeah, laugh it up!” Geno snapped, as Death wheezed and clutched his ribs.

“hey – hey geno! heh, how's it _hanging_?” The effect of the joke was somewhat ruined by Death bursting into helpless laughter at the end.

Geno shot him a sour look. “you're _not_ funny.” He clicked his fingers and the Gaster Blaster disappeared, dropping him to the floor where he landed with, in Death's opinion, a disappointing amount of grace. “if you're not gonna help, then get the hell outta here.”

Once he regained some rudimentary form of control over himself, Death wiped away an imaginary tear from his eye and studied Geno with a wide, smug smile. There was no helping the cursed skeleton – Death knew that better than most. Still... he sensed in Geno's endeavour a rare opportunity.

It was _perfect_. He could have some fun for once, and he could even pretend to be working while doing it.

“hey now.” Death got to his feet, carefully rearranging his robes. “who said i didn't wanna help? i'm as tired of you livin' as you are.”

Geno glared. “yeah? well guess what? sittin' there laughin' _isn't_ helpful!”

“alright, alright.” He studied the other skeleton thoughtfully. “you got any more _killer_ ideas there, champ?”

“uh...” Geno hesitated. “no. i kinda hoped this one would work.”

Death grinned. “welp, i've got a few to get us started.”

 


End file.
